Forcing love on Tinder
by Astystole
Summary: Kyle attempts tinder and discovers love cannot be called upon.


Kyle sat inside the house next to his brother, watching a re-run of the first season of Glee. Rachel was singing with a soulful expression on her face and Finn was standing there looking star struck. He was about to open his mouth to start the baritone part of the song, when- the TV turned off.

"Mom!" Kyle jumped, Ike started to pick his nose, looking quizzically at the two. Sheila shook her big beehive and spoke.

"You've done nothing but watch TV for the past week!" Sheila reprimanded

"Mom, all of my friends are on holiday! Stan's gone fishing with his dad in Indonesia, Cartman's gone to Disney land in New York, Kenny's gone to visit his uncle in-"

"I don't care!" Sheila snapped, "Go find something else to do!"

"Fine" Kyle slid off the couch. Maybe he'll go make a mandala in his room or something for Ike. Trudging to his room, Kyle walked on, only to have Ike scream his name in excitement.

"I have a great idea!" Ike exclaimed

"I don't wanna go see how far we can throw our pee" Kyle murmured

"Why don't you use" Ike jumped from foot to foot, "Tinder"

Kyle wrinkled his long nose in complete disgust, "No! That's gross!"

"It doesn't have to be" Ike pressed "Just think of all the outings you could have!"

"Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do" Kyle murmured, getting out his phone.

XXX

After hurling his phone on the floor after being asked one too many times for a booty call, Kyle crossed his arms in irritation.

"They're all revolting! They don't even ask my name!" Kyle spat

"Well, you just have to leaf through the yuck ones" Ike picked up Kyle's phone

"It's no use" Kyle sat on his bed, "Tinder's a dumb invention"

Ike started typing some things on the phone.

"Ike, stop playing with Tinder" Kyle muttered, picking up _The Hunger Games_ beside his bed, "It's no use"

"Well… maybe" Ike stepped to his older brother, typing

Kyle read some words on his novel and his eyes wandered over to Ike, typing more stuff onto the phone.

"Dude" Kyle deadpanned, "Down"

Ike gave Kyle the phone and he looked at it.

 _Hi, I'm Kyle, what's your name?_

 _Heidi, I go to a private school_

 _Really? Cool! Which one?_

 _South Park Private_

 _I go to South Park High_

 _Oh, okay, the public one?_

 _Mhm_

Kyle looked at Ike squarely.

"She has not asked to bang you yet" Ike offered, "Go for it! Mom'd love it if you dated, even better if she was Jewish"

"Yeah" Kyle scratched his chin, contemplating the brief conversation, "Maybe"

"Tell me how it goes!" Ike waved and tottered out his room, looking pleased with himself.  
Kyle grinned as Ike left the room, feeling somewhat relieved he didn't have to be searching for more TV shows to watch, now he could be doing something else with his time. He wasn't going to be 17 forever.

 _Do you want to get a soda somewhere tonight?_

 _Sure, where at?_

 _There's this killer pizza place that has the best pizzas and milkshakes_

 _Sweet! See you there!_

XXXXX

Kyle gulped pausing momentarily. He had never ever dated in his entire life. He felt terrified of the prospect of Tinder, he had once attempted a sort of relationship with someone briefly, which only lasted a day. Kyle didn't like Tinder because of the stigma of booty calls and also because of another reason he was very sure will happen. He hid that other reason into the depths of his brain, he worried too much. Everyone knew that, this time, he would just relax about it.

XXXXX

"Mom" Kyle walked down the stairs, "Butters and I are going to see a movie, I'll be home probably before nine"

"Okay, sweetheart" Sheila waved a hand, eyes still glued to her knitting of a scarf.

"Wish me luck" Kyle muttered as he walked outside, Ike opening the door for him

"Don't worry, man" Ike grinned up to his older brother , "Just pretend it's Stan or your best friend, you'll be fine"

XXXX

She was very relaxed, smiling towards him from across the pizza laden table. Kyle, on the other hand was sweating like a pig in a slaughterhouse.

 _This is going to go well_ Kyle told himself _, You'll be fine. Just trust yourself. Be yourself._

"So" Kyle cracked a skew smile, "What brings you to Tinder"

"Well" Heidi twirled a strand of blonde wavy hair around an elegantly bony finger, "I was bored and figured I should give Tinder a go"

Kyle nodded, momentarily dazzled by her white teeth and sparkling amber eyes, "My brother told me to" Kyle mentally kicked himself, "I mean- I was thinking about doing it after someone- M- my brother told me about it"

"Yeah?" Heidi looked at Kyle quizzically, "Do you like Tinder?"

"No" Kyle gulped, "-I mean- It's not something I would do"

Kyle smiled, grabbed a pizza slice and stuffed it into his mouth, to make himself not look awkward, and look busy. Heidi watched him, nibbling rather daintily on a slice.

"So" Kyle swallowed the remains of his slice down, "who's your favorite actor?"

"Johnny Depp" Heidi winked, "He's gorgeous"

 _At least she's not gushing about some X_ Kyle thought

"I like Emma Watson" Kyle shrugged, "Mostly because she played Hermione"

"I bet that's the only reason lots of people like her" Heidi shrugged

"Yeah" Kyle slurped from his shake, eating another slice of pizza _, God this was getting awkward,_ he just wanted to run back home and hide, delete that stupid _stupid_ application and just watch _Glee_ with Ike until school returned.

The pause grew and grew until Kyle started to sweat.

"What do you do" Heidi smiled

"Erm" Kyle swallowed, "School? You know, not very much to it"

"Do you have a job? What do you do in your free time?" Heidi asked, barely touching her next slice of pizza.

"I like Glee" Kyle answered, "Rachel's hot"

Kyle felt his cheeks go red and could just about hear Ike laughing hard.

"She's pretty good at singing, huh" Heidi didn't seem to register Kyle's bluffing or red face or sweat developing under his shirt.

"What's your fave song?" Kyle asked

"I liked the song _call me maybe_ " Heidi said, "It was in season 4 I think"

"Yeah, I'm re-watching the whole show" Kyle nodded, his brain pleading and crying for him to leave, go home and just plain get out of there.

They continued talking, stiffly, as if walking through quicksand, they chose the most bizarre topics and random things to discuss. For some reason, they continued wading through the sand, wading, wading and wading.

Kyle's phone buzzed as a message came thorough.

 _Hey, Kyle! Make sure to open up a chance for a second meet up! Ike._

Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed, pocketing his phone.

"What was that?" Heidi blinked at him

"Oh, mom's just being protective and making sure I wasn't axe murdered"

"Oh" Heidi chuckled, "That's cute, you're cute"

Kyle stiffened at the words and smiled, to hide his surprise, "Thanks"

Heidi got up and gathered her purse, "Well, I have a curfew, it was nice to talk to you. We'll catch up sometime later?"

"Yeah!" Kyle stood, relieved to leave, "Good talking to you"

"What's your number?" Heidi asked.

After exchanging numbers they were about to part ways, when Heidi looked at Kyle knowingly, "Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?"

 _No_ Kyle's mind said, without missing a beat, _No, I am going home to watch Glee, delete tinder and eat a pop tart._

Kyle smiled, against his mind's wishes and pecked her on the lips, only to have her open her mouth and practically suction the side of his mouth. She tasted pretty awful, like a hot cheese burrito left to rot in the summer heat. Kyle straightened up, flashed a skew smile that he hoped looked sweet and charming and walked home, hand wiping the spit trail off of his chin. _Why did I do that!?_ Kyle scowled as he walked home, hands in pockets. _Great, now she's going to think you like him, and pursue you, and you're gonna fuck everything up._

His phone trilled again, Kyle looked at his messages and read a new number.

 _I had fun tonight :D see u l8ter_

Kyle thought for a minute, Maybe he was overthinking everything. Maybe they were going to become good mates, who like to play Xbox, drink lemonade and discuss how awesome Alan Rickman was in _Harry Potter._ And he had nothing else to do, if it failed, it wasn't the end of the world. And if it succeeded? Oh god, he would have to work out a way to handle dealing with how they met.


End file.
